Last month, in our married couples book discussion with our young marrieds group from church, we discussed honesty and openness. Now when I think of honesty in marriage, I think of not telling big lies about where you’ve been or who you’ve been hanging out with. When I think of openness, I think of not hiding anything about your life. If you did something that you don’t feel comfortable telling your spouse, then you probably shouldn’t have done it.
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| The book we’re reading for this study. |
But in the discussion, we talked about how honesty and openness is so much more than that. We talked about how telling little white lies, even to protect your spouse’s feelings, can be harmful to your marriage in the long run. “Honey, do you want to go to the beach or mountains for vacation?” “Ooh! The beach!” “Ok, me too.” But really, the person asking the question wants to go to the mountains and now he or she will be bitter for the whole vacation and could end up resenting his or her spouse. To me, this was sort of a silly example because I can’t imagine being unhappy with either the beach or the mountains, but I know to some people this really would be a big deal.
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| On our honeymoon in The Bahamas |
So this got me thinking about little things I hold back or ‘lie’ about for the sake of my husband. There are plenty of things he does that annoy me. They don’t seem very important at the time and I don’t want to seem like a nag so I let them go. But if I continue to do this, I those little things could build up in my mind over time and become much worse in the long run. Instead, I should be open and honest with my husband here and now. When these things happen, I should bring them up.
But I should bring them up in a loving way. I should make requests of my husband as an equal, not demands as a superior. If I really do or don’t want to do something, I should be honest about it and tell him in a loving way instead of just gritting my teeth and going along with what he wants. I’ve been a people pleaser all my life but it really might not be the best thing to do with my husband.
It won’t be easy to make this change. And it will definitely be a challenge to say what needs to be said without stepping over the line or nagging. But I believe making this change now will really help our marriage in the long run.
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