In my opinion, one of the biggest problems marriages face is feeling disconnected from each other. I haven’t done any research specifically about this, but I know we’ve struggled with it. And I’ve heard of others struggling with it. And I feel like so many other problems stem from this.
We feel disconnected so we keep pulling away from each other. It’s easier to drift away. And then drifting or pulling away can cause us to look elsewhere. Or simply to argue all the time and feel stuck. Then we resent each other. It’s a terrible place to be.
Well today I want to share with you 13 reasons you might feel disconnected. Hopefully these will help some people out there to reconnect. I always think it helps to know where the problem comes from before you can fix it.
ONE || You’re not Intentional About Quality Time
Quality time is my number one love language. I know that’s not the same for everyone, but how can you feel connected if you’re not spending time together? And I know it’s easier said than done. We’re all busy. We have jobs and kids and homes to take care of. But it’s so important. Sometimes we think quality time will be easy and just happen like it did when we were dating and first married, but that’s not the case. We have to be intentional about it and schedule it these days.
TWO || You’re in a Dating Rut
Do you do the same date over and over again. Maybe you go to dinner and a movie every time you go out. Maybe you go to the same restaurant week in and week out. There’s nothing wrong with tradition and ritual. In fact they can be a good thing. But when there are no surprises in your relationship, or when there’s no variance at all, you might start to feel disconnected. Part of experiencing life with your spouse is experiencing new things together, learning together, and growing together.
THREE || You Avoid Deep Conversation
I’ll admit, I’ve been guilty of this often. Why are we often so afraid of opening up? Even to our spouse? It’s crazy! But you know what, it may be difficult and painful at first, but after I have one of these conversations with Pearson, I always feel so much better. I feel so connected to him. When I share my feelings with him and open up, I feel so loved.
FOUR || You Keep Things to Yourself
This sort of goes along with the last one. Often, I get frustrated or upset and I don’t tell Pearson about it. It just makes him angry. Keeping these things from him is not a great way to strengthen our relationship. In fact, it harms it.
FIVE || You Assume You’re on the Same Page
One of the things I struggle with the most is not communicating my expectations. After all, Pearson is not a mind reader. Sometimes I forget that he doesn’t think the same way I do. We can all be a little selfish that way, can’t we? We assume people think the same way as us because we can’t imagine another way of thinking. But that’s not the case. We have to communicate what we want and need and expect.
SIX || You Think Only Mostly of Yourself and Your Own Needs
And you expect him to change if you have an disagreement. You cannot change another person, no matter how close you are to them. Only God can do that. The only person you can change is yourself.
SEVEN || You Don’t Pick Your Battles Very Well
And you fight over silly stuff. I don’t know about you, but I certainly don’t feel connected to Pearson when we’re fighting. So fighting over silly stuff that doesn’t matter causes pointless pain and drives us apart.
EIGHT || You’re too Comfortable
You’re too comfortable with each other and your situation and routines. Like I said earlier, you should experience new things together. But another aspect to being too comfortable is being lazy and taking each other for granted. You’re used to the nice day to day things you do for each other and you don’t appreciate each other like you should. Don’t do it!
NINE || You Resent Each Other
Maybe there’s something your spouse did or does and you don’t think it bothers you. Or you think it shouldn’t bother you so you pretend it doesn’t. Or maybe you’ve done something for him or her and he doesn’t seem to return the favor or you feel like you’ve sacrificed more than your partner. And now you resent him. There’s no way to feel connected if you have this in the back of your mind all the time. You don’t need to keep score and you need to communicate when things bother you.
TEN || God Isn’t at the Center of Your Marriage
We all hear this all the time but sometimes it’s hard to know what it looks like. I know Pearson and I could certainly do better with this. Some ways to make sure God is at the center include praying together, praying for each other, attending church together, and studying the Bible together, just to name a few. Not only will you feel more connected with God, you’ll also feel more connected with each other.
BONUS || You’re not Checking in Weekly, You’re not part of our Wife Support Community, and You’re not using #MyMarriageEndures on Instagram
Yes this bonus point is very much a shameless plug. Or rather, several shameless plugs.
For the second plug, I am a co-admin for a supportive group of wives on Facebook. You don’t have to be a blogger or anything to join the Wife Support Community. Just a wife. We talk about marriage and support and encourage each other. And we would love to have you!
And lastly, I’d love for you to use #MyMarriageEndures on Instagram. This one doesn’t have a direct relationship to feeling connected with your spouse, I’ll admit. But I would love for you to use that hashtag on any marriage related Instagram posts. Especially any posts about enduring life together and overcoming obstacles etc. Join the community!
Are you struggling with feeling disconnected from your spouse? I really think it’s a common thing. But it’s so easy to change. Maybe easy isn’t the right word, but it’s certainly doable. Can you think of any other reasons couples might feel disconnected?
Thanks for reading!
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